New York Passion
by rachgreengeller
Summary: Chandler's mother is at it again, another book, New York Passion. Her characters are a thinly disguised version of her son's friends and their many romantic entanglements. Hilarity ensues when the book hits the stands and the Friends lives are disrupted.
1. Default Chapter

While struggling with writer's block this is an idea that came to my head…hope you like it ….

These characters for the most part…are the property of BKC Productions…

Nora Bing sat down at her computer. She smiled as she typed in the final words to her latest novel, New York Passion. It was the lust filled saga of six people and their sexual exploits. She had been working on it for weeks and tomorrow she had a meeting in NY with her editor and new lover , Dennis.

"My mom's in town." said Chandler. "I wonder which one of my friends she'll seduce this time." he said bitterly

"Now Chandler, that was only once." said Monica. "Why don't you guys try to have a nice visit? I like your mom."

"Me too." squealed Rachel. "She has lead such an interesting life and traveled to all those exotic places. Plus I love her books. That is where I learned all about love and romance."

"I thought you learned about that from me?" whined Ross.

"But honey, where do you think I got all those ideas from?" Rachel shyly smiled.

"I am getting those pictures again. Eww!' said Monica as she closed her eyes. "That isn't helping ! I can still see them."

"Once again, my mother's paternal influence at work." said Chandler sarcastically.

"Chandler , I am calling your mother. It will be a pleasure to spend an enjoyable evening with somebody's mother. Rachel's makes me feel bad and mine makes me feel like I am not the perfect child." Monica said.

"But Monica, I love your mother." said Rachel. "We always get along so well together."

Monica stood up and walked away from the couch. "Of course you do, you married her perfect child. Her medical marvel. She even said you were the daughter she never had."

Ross rolled his eyes.

"She never said that." exclaimed Rachel.

"Of course she did, the day that Phoebe was going to meet Mike 's parents , you stood right in this living room and said it." Monica said adamantly.

The jet touched down at JFK as Nora watched the skyline of Manhattan through the window. She opened up her Gucci bag and powdered her nose with a MAC powder. Looking at her hair , she decided her roots needed done. She made a note to herself that she would make an appointment with Ricardo to have that done. She pulled out her phone and looked at the text message..

NORA HEARD YOU WERE IN TOWN LOVE TO SEE YOU , MONICA,

She smiled. After years of animosity and blame, her son must be coming around. Monica wanted to see her and that meant Chandler did as well. She took a look at the manuscript and hoped it would be good enough for Dennis. She was aiming for a September release.

Grabbing her bags, she rolled them to the curb where her limo awaited. It sped toward the many skyscrapers of Manhattan and the small little brownstone in the Village where her son and his wife lived. She was so glad to be back in the Big Apple.

"Dennis, It's Nora, I just arrived, I will check in at the Plaza first , but then I am bringing over the first draft of New York Passion. It's just like I told you it is an innocent little romance about a group of friends who end up romantically entwined. No I guarantee you, it's all made up." Nora smiled as she hung up. She couldn't very well tell her editor it was no more than a thinly disguised tale of her son's and his friends romantic entanglements through the years. This would be her best book ever.

Nora stretched seductively in her chair at Dennis' office. With his glasses on his nose, he scanned the copy of Nora's manuscript. He put it down and smiled.

"There is only one word to describe this and that is hot. Nora these characters are great. Ronald and Raquel , the star crossed lovers, Johnny the leading man heartbreaker who comes in between them.Sharon and Charlotte, the lesbian lovers. Pure genius Nora, Pure genius. It sounds like something right out a Jackie Collins novel."Dennis raved.

"Oh please Dennis, rank amateur. She would have never gotten anywhere if it wasn't for that bitch of a sister." snided Nora.

"Now you are positive that these characters are fictional. I mean I can draw up the release forms very fast. " Dennis asked curiously.

"Honey I am telling the truth, just as much as you told me the truth about that book tour with your secretary." Nora said looking suspiciously at Dennis. "Leave it to me, if they are real people, no one will ever know."

"Okay I will start the ball rolling. Let me proof it , make the changes and have it to my boss by Friday. " said Dennis. "In the meantime, let's celebrate Nora." he said as he grabbed her ass and threw her down in his chair. They immediately started to make out and then he reached down the front of her blouse and tore it open.

"I love New York." squealed Nora.


	2. Wanting their opinion

By the way this is an AU story…Monica and Chandler are still in the apt , but both have their children…someone pointed that out.

Monica picked up the box of china as the plates came sailing through the open box. Most of them were broken.

"Chandler!" she screamed. "My china , my beautiful china." she sobbed. "What happened to it Bing?" she said threateningly.

"Well a very funny thing actually. When Rachel's sister came over and we were putting the china away after their catfight, I picked up the box and the bottom fell right out of the carton. " he started to laugh.

Monica picked up a knife and started to circle Chandler like a great white shark. "Bing, I've used it before and I am not afraid to use it again." she said menacingly.

He mockingly said, "Oh you are beginning to circle me like you are a fierce predator. That makes me so hot baby."

"Bing it is no laughing matter. Your mother is coming for dinner and I wanted to use our wedding china." she moaned.

Chandler went to the cupboard and started to pull out plates . "See we are not that strapped for plates. We've got plenty of them."

At that moment, Phoebe entered the room . Tonight Mike was playing at a new club uptown and she was alone. But she did remember to bring her guitar.

"Hey guys, is Mom here yet?" she said.

"Nope but she is on the way." said Chandler. "Are you going to entertain us tonight Pheebs?"

"Yes I am , I have been working on a few new songs . They are in honor of your mother. One is titled My Man Stole My Manolo Bialoks and He Looks Better in them Than Me….and the other is Kissing My Sons Wife's Brother." Phoebe said proudly.

"Kill me , kill me now." said Chandler as he sank in the chair. He didn't want to be reminded of the weird life his mother lead. Even though Judy was mean and put down Monica, she was at least a normal mom.

"Hey Pheebs, put down the guitar and help me in the kitchen." Monica ordered.

"I would , but I really don't want to , I 'm a guest." Phoebe said.

At that moment, Ross and Rachel came into the apartment. "Is she here yet?" said Rachel excitedly. Ross was unsure of how he felt about Chandler's mother. She had always given him mixed messages. She would run her perfectly manicured fingers up and down his pants and once she even kissed him. It was very strange because Nora never went for Joey, only him.

"Not yet Rach and if I were you, I would hold onto my husband while she is around."Chandler said. "My mother has a serious Mrs. Robinson complex and she loves to pretend that Ross is Dustin Hoffman."

"The woman has taste I must say that." Ross agreed smugly.

"Yeah right , when do we eat?" said Joey as he came in and opened the refrigerator. "I haven't ate in an hour." He pulled a cold chicken leg out and began removing the skin and throwing the meat in the garbage. "Now if she really had taste , she would be after a classy guy like me." he smiled as the skin was stuck in his teeth.

"That's right Joe, she would pick you who reads comic books over a guy who has a Phd." Ross scorned.

"You had better forget about that mister, remember that you are married now , if she touches you , I would take her down." Rachel said.

"Rachel that is hot." said Ross. "Would you like to …" he said seductively.

" No one is going anywhere. Joey take that skin out of your mouth ,and why do you encourage him? You know he wants to see two women fighting most of the time."Monica said.

"Wouldn't we all." smiled Chandler. Monica looked over at him and gave him a dirty look. "Joey that is just plain wrong." he said . When she turned her head back, he mouthed , "yeah baby."

At that moment, Nora waltzed into her son and his wife's apartment. Her hair had been freshly done and she wore a Chanel suit . In her hand she carried a rather large handbag.

"Chandler darling ." she purred. She walked over to her son and kissed him on the cheek.

"Hi Mom." Chandler said. "Good flight.?' he asked casually.

"Are they ever ?" she moaned. "Now where is Monica?" she said as Monica ran from the kitchen.

"Hello Mother Bing ," she sang out with her arms out.

"Nora, darling." she purred. "I am not a Mother Bing, I am Nora . God I don't even look like I would have two grandchildren. Where are the little darlings anyway?" she said.

"They are in bed." Monica said .

"Anyway I have brought the new proofs on my book . I wouldn't mind some feedback before the public sees it." Nora took the copies of her manuscript and handed one to Chandler and one to Rachel.

"New York Passion. I like the title. What is it like Sex and the City?" asked Rachel as she eyed the cover.

Chandler read the description out loud.."Six sexy singles lovin and lustin in the Big Apple."

"Its just a little novel I finished on my last book tour. It is about a group of six people who get involved in all sorts of romances and relationships who live in New York." said Nora. "I value your opinion Chandler and Rachel you once told me how you loved my books. So that is why I gave one to you. I'd actually like you all to read them." she smiled.

"Well my reading material is usually on a higher level, but I could make an exception." smiled Ross as he flirted with Nora.

"You might want to pay attention to Ronald, I kind of used a lot of your qualities in his character." Nora said huskily.

"I have only read the Shining and Little Women , but I know there will be sexy stuff in it, so I 'll read it too."said Joey eagerly grabbing the manuscript.

"And you should notice Johnny ." said Nora. "These characters were out of my imagination, but not out of my consciousness."

" I sincerely hope Dad isn't in this book." said Chandler as he started to page through it. "Marsha looked at Robert's manly chest as she kissed it tenderly. He kissed her as his mustache tickled her face." he said then he reread it. "Holy shit, this is Monica and that big tree." he yelled.

"Johnny took Raquel in his arms after he saw Ronald and Candace making love under the tropical skies." Rachel read. "What! this is Barbados!"

"Mother did you put us in your book?" asked Chandler point blank.

"Cool I have always wanted to be a romantic heroine. " said Phoebe.

"You must understand son , I put some of your qualities and personalities in my characters." Nora tried to explain.

"Ronald , sexy paleontologist , in love with one woman , but in lust with many." Ross read as he saw the character description. "Wow, I'm sexy."

"Now I know this is a fictional book. Mother, that's called libel." screamed Chandler. "He's not any of those things."

"The character is named Ronald dear, not Ross. There is also a Marsha, Penny, Raquel, and Johnny." explained Nora.

"Who did you model after me?" Chandler said disgusted.

"Chester, the man who is in search of his sexuality , fighting a line between homo and heterosexuality." read Ross. "Sounds accurate to me."

"Oh God Mother!" Chandler sat down and held his temple. "I am having a stroke , it is definitely a stroke."

Nora stood up and walked to the door. "I have a dinner with my publisher and can't stay. I was anxious for you all to read the manuscript and tell me what you think of it. I 'll stop by in a few days and we can discuss it. My editor is convinced it is a best seller." she smiled "Bye all."


	3. This is our Lives

Monica wrapped herself in her plush robe. Her hair was wrapped in a towel and she was comfortable now. She picked up the typed pages and began to read.

"Marsha had blossomed , she was no longer an overweight teen. She was a young woman just busting with desire. She saw Chester with his rock star looks saunter into the room. His mouth dropped seeing her in the tight dress. She giggled to her friend Raquel, I'll fix him. Next she grabbed the knife from the door and started for him." Monica read the manuscript and then paged a few more ahead.

He was a hot young actor standing in her kitchen . Johnny stood proudly as his member was throbbing. "Have me , cried Marsha."as she tore his jeans off the Italian stud. Monica closed the book and exclaimed "Oh my God!" "It so did not happen like that."

Chandler sat on the couch as he read, "No no no." he screamed.

Monica ran over to the couch and put her arms around Chandler. "Did you see some of the stuff that was in this book.? It says I basically attacked Joey, and that is not what happened at all."

"No I was too busy reading about the love affair between Johnny and Chester, keeping them at bay while Johnny is the womanizer and Chester hides behind a heterosexual relationship ." Chandler scorned.

"You mean us?" Monica said worried.

"No I mean me and Janice. Although , I must admit I am not amused at the scene between Robert and Marsha at her father's birthday party." Chandler said as he pointed out the passage. "In the bathroom., really Mon." he said shamefully.

"I was the only one in that bathroom, the only people getting it on in there were my parents ewww." she said as she made a face. A thought came to Monica's head. "Are all our old relationships in this book?"

Chandler put the book on the coffee table. "I wonder if it is possible to sue your own mother for libel."

Meanwhile Rachel sat in bed while Ross tucked in their child. She had a smile on her face as she started to read the book. Always a fan of erotic fiction, she knew this book would be good. She turned the page in anticipation of what was next. A paragraph struck her when she started to read it out loud…

"Ronald took Saffron in his arms. His heart was breaking because he knew that Raquel was with Matt. She had told him that she wanted a break, he couldn't face life without her , so he pressed his lips against Saffron's and then he began to fondle her breasts..then tearing her blouse apart he moved his mouth down past her belly button ring to her……" Rachel slammed the book shut. "ROSS!" she screamed.

"I just got Emma to sleep , so please,. She was so cute . She wanted me to read her the story about the sad little brontosaurus again. I tell you that child is going to grow up to be just like daddy." Ross said sweetly.

"God I hope not," yelled Rachel "Look at this. " she said holding the book up and pointing to the passage. "These people Ronald and Raquel , they're us.. Time and time again , Edith, Melissa, Candice, these are pseudonyms for your exes. Charlotte and Sharon are Carol and Susan…even my rotten sister …Jill and what you do to her is disgusting." Rachel said as she picked up the book.

Ross read aloud. "Janie, I wonder if you are as good as you sister. She was the best lay I ever had. Oh trust me Ronald, after you have had me you'll never go back to Raquel. He started nibbling at her neck and then he tore her lace panties from her body. " he put the book away from his face. "Rach, I did not do this with your sister. She was so mean she broke my projector." he whined.

He paged through the manuscript. "Edith? Who in the hell is Edith?"

"Don't you recognize your dear second wife? Edith is that British bitch Emily. Edith from Brighton who stole Ronald from Raquel. Then they get into a catfight when Raquel disrupts her wedding to Ronald.This is our life ." Rachel exclaimed.

"Edith is such an ugly name though." Ross said as he made a face.

"I think it's perfect then." smiled Rachel."She was an ugly bitch."

"Rachel that was a thousand years ago. You have got to learn to forgive and forget . We all make mistakes and …" Ross quickly turned back to another passage.. "Paco, you did what with Paco?" he screamed.

"Oh yeah Paolo." she said as she looked at him funny "Forgive and forget right?" Rachel said sarcastically.

"I hated that guy. I knew he was no good for you and I hated the way he treated you. He grabbed Phoebe's ass." Ross said angrily.

"And you cheated on me. You also dated a girl while I was pregnant and went on a date with a slut from a baby store." Rachel said maliciously. "Honestly you would go out with a gorilla if she called you Indiana Jones."

"Whatever happened to not going to bed angry?" Ross said calmly.

"Oh no professor , you are not sleeping in here tonight. You are sleeping on the couch and I'd get comfy because you may be there for a while." Rachel said as she grabbed his pillow and a blanket and shoving it in his arms. "Good night Ross." she said as she turned off the light and rolled over.

"Rachel, Rach, oh sweetie." Ross said as he made one more attempt to get back in the bed.

"Ross, get out of my room." said Rachel.

"Damnit!" swore Ross . "It was my room first." he said defeated as he slinked out of their bedroom.


End file.
